The Honest Truth III: The Beginning of Madness
The madman is not the man who has lost his reason. The madman is the man who has lost everything except his reason...
- G.K. Chesterton
Looking back, I believe that my current journey began 2 years ago, when my then girlfriend Urania, decided to break up with me. It wasn't sudden. We had had disagreements for months. I was nonetheless devastated.
I couldn't believe that I had blown it with the first girl I had truly had a chance to love with all my heart. We had the same hobbies, valued the same things, shared similar beliefs, and enjoyed each others company. But most of all, her devout dedication to God, and cheerfulness in the face of adversity, was an inspiration to me. This is why, I gave her the nickname Urania - Greek for heavenly, and the name of the muse whose attention is the most focused on heaven.
As far as I was concerned, we were meant to be together. All the disagreements in the world could not deter me from my belief. So when eventually, things came to an end, I blamed myself. I blamed myself because I felt that I had failed to communicate my love adequately. I had been too critical; I had lost my patience at times; I hadn't supported her enough; But most of all, I had always found it extremely difficult, to tell her how much she meant to me.
I rarely gave her compliments, even though everyday I thought she was stunning. Acting confused when she wanted to weigh herself, was my way of saying "I don't think you're fat, why should you!?" Asking if that was a new earring, was my way of saying "I've noticed you dressed up today, I like it." This was usually the extent of my complements. I was awkward, she was oblivious, and no matter how many times I explained my difficulties with positive reinforcement, it wouldn't take long before my explanation had eroded into thin air.
This was compounded, and perhaps even accelerated by my penchant for criticism. Not simply to "find fault" (as in secular usage), but to explore the different sides of an issue. I have always been a big fan of it. In fact, I pride myself on being able to tell my friends what they'd rather not hear - which is often that both sides could do better, and here's what you can do better.
Of course, with little to no positive reinforcement to offset this, it is easy in retrospect to see why she sometimes felt "attacked", or like I was "taking the other person's side". Hindsight is 20/20, and it was only in hindsight that I realized this. So I decided to set out on a corrective journey to change all that...
But our story does not start at the beginning of that journey. It starts a year and a half later - with me on Facebook, in a crazed frenzy, typing the words:
I simply want to tell the whole world: That I love Urania, and that I want to marry her...