Proposing to my long lost ex-girlfriend on Facebook was not the first outrageous public statement I would make that day, neither was it the last. I would later go on to criticize the church we had attended, declare myself a belonging of God, and prophesy things I could not possibly understand.
By the time my brother came to visit me out of concern, I had begun to prophesy into my own life, and the lives of those close to me. I believed that God was talking to me, and I had messages to deliver to everybody - including my brother.
The look of worry on his face when he arrived, did little to phase me. He didn't understand. How could he!? I could barely believe it myself! Even as I watched his worry turn to alarm, and his alarm turn to panic, moving from my apartment to his, and then to the hospital, I remained absolutely convinced of three things:
- My sanity,
- My communication with God, and
- The messages I was meant to deliver.
I had conviction in a way I have never experienced it before: free from doubt, free from fear, and free from worry. I knew, I was acting insane. I knew, I was saying crazy things. But I was convinced, that I was supposed to do and say, exactly, as I was doing and saying...
When I woke up in the hospital two days later, I didn't know what to make of my diagnosis. A "brief manic episode" they said, but I remembered that I'd only been acting crazy because I was supposed to. I had "gotten aggressive" they said, but I remembered only shouting, because they weren't taking me seriously.
Prophesies aside, in my psychosis, I had been rational; and in my rationality, I had been deluded; and in my delusions, I had been devout; and in my devotion, I had been set free...